Seattle Sounders 0, Barca 4, a.k.a. “Let’s talk about The Kid.”

By: Kevin | August 7th, 2009

Here we have the man of the hour, The Kid. He could have had a hat trick before the end of the first half against the Seattle Sounders, a club whose fans deserve a lot more credit than the players, who really seemed more interested in not getting having the slaughter rule applied.

The pitch was horrific, this miasma that grabbed the ball and made it stop. Dead. Once our lads got that sussed, you knew it was only a matter of time before the horror (for them) began, and so it did.

Guardiola rolled out with: Pinto, Alves, Puyol, Fontas, Abidal, VicSan, Busquets, Xavi, Messi, Krkic, Henry. And let’s dispense with the goals right now, because they really were spectacular.

In the first, Messi was given space by the defense as he always it, because he never shoots from distance. Every defense in the world plays to keep Argy Bargy in front of them, so that he can’t kill you with some crazy-ass, stuck-to-his-feet dribble thing.

So he laced in a free kick quality bender that beat the keeper, and that was that.

Now, Messi shooting from distance with that kind of power and accuracy is like Michael Jordan developing a jump shot. At some point, you just can’t play him. Teams wanted to tell the Bulls, “We’ll cede you his 35 points. Now don’t play his ass.”

As with every great player, Messi keeps adding things to his repetoire, to gild the lily. The way he smoked that ball into the upper 90 must have had every coach who saw the highlights saying “Ohhh, shit!” Because he’s better this year. Staggering.

The second goal came from a bit of brilliance. Yes, they were playing an MLS side who lost its last match to another MLS side, 4-0. But the second goal would have been scored against any club, any defense on the planet.

Xavi lobbed a millimeter-perfect pass to Messi, who took the ball on his chest, got it to his feet and slid it past the keeper. Sounds simple, right? But you know how most players, when playing a ball off their chest, need a bit of space for the ball to bounce off, and land at their feet, then they have to collect and proceed. Right? Riiiiiight.

This ball seemed to roll down Messi’s chest, thighs and calves directly to his feet, where he barely had to control it before stroking it into the back of the net. And it happened SOFAST! Yes, it was a crazy-ass play by a crazy-ass player. But do not underestimate the immense quality of the pass, in making that all possible. The pass was perfectly weighted and fell to his chest in an arc that made all of that brilliance just a little bit easier. It was the kind of goal that just lights up your life, and makes the day just a little bit better.

In the second half, we got a completely different lineup, with “Hey, You Still Here,” Henrique (take note, eklavya), Pique, Muniesa, Maxwell, The Yaya, Keita, Dos Santos, Jeffren, Pedro!, Gudjohnsen.

Interestingly, ball control stats went up, partly because they were playing a mostly subs lineup from Seattle, but partly because of The Yaya, who was this big, giant sponge that just stopped anything from getting that far across midfield. And the passing was better.

The third goal came from a delightful pass into space from Pedro!, who saw Jeffren about to make the run. Final Fantasy took the pass and stroked it past the keeper, an easy-looking goal that was rather a neat trick turned.

The fourth goal, I admit, got me all woozy. We have an attacking right back in Dani Alves, king of the offensive interplay, crosses and free kicks.

But now we have an attacking left back in Maxwell, who can, as he did, create space and smoke a high-quality shot at the keeper that was hard and on-target. Pedro! cleaned up the deflection. Hell will be raised this season. Abidal is much more offense-minded this season. He was showing signs of it toward the end of last season, but there’s nothing like a Maxwell to speed up that aggression acquisition process, right?

Here are the rest of the folks, in no particular order:

Pinto: Good lord, man, work on your clearances!

Alves: You kinda had the stank on offense, and got smoked on defense by an MLS player. I’m just saying.

Puyol: Um, El Capitan, it’s just pre-season. Give them a break, dude! You don’t have to destroy everything.

Fontas: Nice and solid, definitely one for the future. Yes, playing with Captain Caveman makes anyone better, but you get it. Nice distribution, as well.

VicSan: Kid, you sucked. Uncertainty and slowness just aren’t going to cut it with this side. We’re trusting Guardiola, but come on. Make some shit happen. Pass after funky pass went awry, and you were much of the reason that we didn’t have iron-clad midfield control. Stop that.

Busquets: Look, Magnet. Yes, you draw fouls. Now stop committing stupid ones, and work on positioning your body so that when you take the pass, you can do something with it, instead of having to turn around and THEN do something with the ball. Study The Yaya for your homework.

Xavi: Insert list of superlatives here, add exclamation point. Done.

Henry: Nice facilitator’s role. He’s moving better and better, and is still working his way back into fitness, but I like what I see. I do want to see more power on the shots this year, though. You have homework, as well.

Messi: Insert new list of superlatives here, add exclamation point, realize that he wasn’t even playing at full speed, fall off chair, begin writing condolence cards for other coaches. Done.

Krkic: Your homework is to regain the joy that you played with when you first came up. I don’t know if the added muscle has affected your quickness, but you aren’t flitting past defenders, MLS defenders, mind you, as you used to. And you’re thinking too much, trying to make plays perfect instead of just taking the pass and blasting the shot. You did it time and again. Sometimes, the best offense is quickness. We love you and your talent, but one part of us wishes you had a more gradual coming along, like Pedro! and Final Fantasy, so that you have the confidence that you seem to lack. You’re right there, and you’re doing everything right. Now watch your videos, and correct those errors. Confidence is key, and we need you to have it, because you are going to get some serious pitch time this season, and you have to make it count. Now get busy.

Henrique: Yes, he has a name now. This is the guy we thought we were signing. Could it be that he’s more comfy at right back?

Pique: Nice work. Keep it up.

Muniesa: I confess that I didn’t see all the clunkiness that a few folks cited. I just saw a young defender, still feeling his way around life with the big boys. He did fine.

Maxwell: If Eric Abidal has insomnia, I know why. He looked really good, and already seems to have an understanding with Keita.

The Yaya: All bow down in the presence of greatness. Has anyone noticed that he is even better this season? I have.

Keita: Speaking of Huh? What?, he is really putting Gudjohnsen on the chopping block. His improvement, both in movement and interplay with the rest of the team, has been a delight. He’s part of what will be a serious Danger Tandem with Maxwell, as they are already moving together a bit like Xavi and Iniesta.

Dos Santos: I know that he isn’t really ready, but I’d love to see some shots for Johnny Two-Time against Liga opposition. And what an outside shot!

Pedro!: Deserves the promotion that he got. Yes, he’s stood out against sub-par sides, but the skills that he’s been showing are the same: pace, movement, excellent control and passing ability.

Jeffren: I think that Final Fantasy is ready for promotion, too. I do wish he could do some midfield work, instead of being a pure winger, but his presence does mean that Iniesta can, at times, spell Xavi.

Gudjohnsen: Monument, I’m going to defend you here. You weren’t as crappy as everyone says you were. You had nice distribution, and didn’t set up camp offside. I feel your pain on the Johnny Two-Time shot, as you made a nice run to get open behind the defense. I might have grumbled too.

Finally, I leave you with a picture that we are going to see a lot of this year. Note the fear on the defenders faces, as they wonder just how in the hell this dude is going to kill them.