The House Pep Built [Updated]

By: Isaiah | January 27th, 2009

(Thanks to Jason and Kevin — it was actually Jason’s idea, but Kevin continued it in good fashion)

Welcome to Pep’s Construction Company! Here we build quality houses, custom-made by professional builders. We have a full staff of highly-trained workers who can fulfill your every sheltering need. Please take a look at our catalog and let us know what kind of house you’d like.

The Xavi: Spacious, several rooms, solidly built with modern architectural highlights. You’ll always know exactly what is going in every part of the house, even if you’re not home.

The Puyol: One big room with a communal table in the middle that doubles as your bed. True Warriors don’t need mattresses, you know.

The Eto’o: This is the best house ever. Don’t question this. You know it’s true. Stop looking at other houses or you’ll be sorry when your neighbor gets this house and has the best party ever, but doesn’t invite you.

The Messi: Our most expensive model, this house is laid out in an intricate pattern that causes you to wander from room-to-room looking for where you’re going, to the point where you sometimes think you’re going backwards, but you always end up in a gorgeous room. One story. [SOLD OUT]

The Alves: Thishouseneverstopsworkingandthelightbulbsneverburnoutnomatterwhat. Infactthelightsneverturnofftheyjustgoforeverbutsometimesifyoubumpthemthewallsfallover.

The Iniesta: While this model doesn’t have any windows without shades, it is cleverly designed to maximize usage of hallways. It may not look like much from outside, with its peeling paint motif, but once inside you’ll be amazed at how efficient it is.

[NEW]The Busi: It may only look like a tree-house, but it’s the house of the future.

The Yaya: This house is made entirely of bricks. No doors, no windows, just solid brick right up to the roof, which is also brick.

The Guddy: This house is stationary. This may not sound like a positive attribute, but it won’t move, even in an earthquake. It comes in only one color: white.

The Hleb: This is a very ornate house, but thanks to amazing advances in architectural technology, all of its doors are actually back doors.

The Bojan:: Depending on the quality of supplies, the weather, and horoscopes, the quality of the finished product can vary widely between tenement and mansion. Please be aware that there are no refunds on purchases.

The Pique: Awesome loft! Great scenic neighborhood! Off L/G/J/M/Z trains! UNBEATABLE Price. Comes with a complimentary picture of Andy Warhol, an expensive scarf that looks cheap, and a turntable. Where have I heard all that before?

The Valdes: Strongly built, nothing fancy. It has all the amenities you could want, but they’re not top of the line. During rainstorms, there are occasional leaks.

[Update]
The Henry: Once in a wonderful neighborhood, this picturesque condo is now located on the outskirts of town, but is none the worse for the wear. It’s the perfect fixer-upper!
/[Update]

The Guardiola: This is not the best house on the market. Make sure you check out other houses before you come for a visit here, since there’s really not that much going on here. There is a built-in alarm by the bed goes off at 6am, no matter what day of the week it is and the lights turn off at 10pm sharp. There is no hot water, but your boss will give you a promotion and a raise.

That’s all I’ve got at the moment. Let’s hear what you’ve got for the others (or additions to these).