Barca v Malaga preview, a.k.a. “How do you spell danger?” 2 p.m. Sunday, on We Can’t See it Except on the Web

By: Kevin | March 21st, 2009

Splish, splash. We all remember the last time we faced Malaga, a team whose name sounds like the sound that you make before you hock a loogie (loogy? It always seems like such a word should be masculine rather than feminine, given its attendant….off track….uh, oh).

It didn’t just rain, it did a Biblical thing that had people lining stuff up two by two, just in case. And a football game broke out. It was back in November, and we put them to the sword 4-1 on a waterlogged pitch in which passes landed with a splash. Xavi got a brace, in case y’all don’t remember, and a good time was had by all.

That was then, and this is now.

Malaga is, it’s safe to say, the surprise of the Liga. After they were promoted the general worldview was “Hope you boys bought a round-trip ticket back to La Segunda.” The lads from Malaga giggled and said “No, but we bought one to the freakin’ UEFA Cup, beeyotches.” That’s probably where they’re headed, given that they sit sixth place in the Liga, and aren’t likely to fall much below those second-tier European spots.

Not bad, right? But they have some problems, namely, us.

Had this Malaga match come a few weeks prior, I’d be worried. To death. Because they’re just the kind of scrappy, rock-solid side that would give us a planet of difficulty. But for us, the superlatives are back. First it was Lyon, and people saying that they’d never seen a better half of football….until the Almeria match. Then they’d never seen a better stretch of football. The swagger is back, the elegance is back, and the wins are back. And we’re at home. Can there be any impediments to us getting knee-deep in some Malaga ass?

Well, they could park the bus, but I just don’t figure that to work, particularly not with a passel of rarin’-to-go lads who have had nothing to do but rest. No three matches in eight days, no Copa, no Champions League. Just rest, and thinking about putting the smack down on the next fool who darkens our doorstep. Plus I installed my BARCA 4 license plate and FC Barcelona license plate holder. So I pity da fools, because all the portents say Victim Time.

Sorry Malaga, but that’s you.

Now, Malaga do have some hopes: The week of rest did more harm than good; We’re so focused on the upcoming Bayern tie that we forget to take of business; Kryptonite, which is the only thing that can neutalize The Yaya.

Aside from that, they’re going down, because Guardiola is going to roll out the “Damn, we’re serious” lineup of: Valdes, Alves, Marquez, Pique, Sylvinho, Yaya, Xavi, Iniesta, Messi, Henry and Eto’o. We might see Busquets in that Yaya role, to facilitate ball control, but given that Malaga thrives on the counter, I’d rather see the Destroyer back there.

Eto’o is due, and Sylvinho has been playing very well of late, deserving the start over “Hai Karate” Caceres, though we might see the mop-topped Uruguayan at some point, just to get some blood in his legs. We’re also going to see us some Krkic, because Guardiola will want to keep The Kid rocking and riding high, after his Almeria brace.

More importantly, there is some coaching mind-screwing going on even as I type this, with Guardiola making ab-so-freakin-lutely certain that our lads think the team from Malaga wants their lunch money, has said bad things about Xavi’s mama and called Messi a midget (not “little person.” Midget.) He’ll be doing everything short of using cattle prods to get our boys to understand that matches such as these, with so much to look forward to on the grand European stage, are where championships can be lost, or solidified.

Recent form has been interesting, particularly if you look at the last 5 Liga matches.

Us:
2-0 over Almeria
2-0 over Athletic Bilbao
3-4 to Atletico Madrid
1-2 to Espanyol
1-1 with Betis

Them:
2-2 with Sevilla
2-1 over Getafe
0-2 to Recreativo (say what now?)
3-1 over Valladolid
1-1 with Valencia

Yes, I’m saying that they have a better record over the last 5 Liga matches than us.

Not that it will matter.

My prediction is 3-1, with goals from Eto’o, Iniesta and Messi.

And that’s what I know.

In the ensuing discussion thread, please post working links for Web viewing of the match, as that’s how we’ll all be watching it. It’s still not certain why GolTV is forsaking us, but I’m betting that it has much to do with monied men pissing on the wall marked Fan Devotion.

Bastards.