Evil Empire 4-Barca 1, or “Pimp slap is front of the hand, back of the head.”

By: Kevin | May 7th, 2008

That’s what we did. Rolled over and showed our goddamned bellies like a submissive dog, at a time when we should have been playing for a bit of pride, playing for the colors, fighting like savages for at least some salvation for this season of pustulence.

Instead, we get played off the pitch by a team that showed us how it’s done.

They were a better passing team than us, faster, with better defenders. If anyone has any doubts about the state of our side, this match should have dispelled them. The Evil Empire is the class of the league right now, and will be next year unless serious, no screwing around steps are taken.

I am too comprehensively disgusted to do anything except spew bile, so stand back.

It doesn’t matter who was in the starting lineup. Nobody showed until Messi shook off the malaise of his mates and started playing like the man that he is.

Gudjohnsen was taken off the pitch, resulting in what was effectively a 4-2-4, but it didn’t matter. We didn’t even get into the attacking third of the pitch until more than 10 minutes into the match. 10 MINUTES!! I don’t know if the lads were ashamed, I don’t know if they are feeling gutted right now. I don’t know if the modern player has motivation for anything except money and the location of the nearest nightclub.

Everybody looked flat, even the usual stalwarts. You can say that it was motivation, that there was nothing going on, but the other side was better. A LOT better. The movement on and off the ball, the passing, the lack of runs. They advanced the ball with movement and passing, as we used to do, instead of committing Messi to running the length and breadth of the pitch in the hope that somebody will consent to join him in the attack.

Somebody? Please?

These games used to be special, extraordinary events in which both sides played their best. Who can ever forget last year’s match at the Bernabeu, in which Ronaldinho should have been awarded the penalty, except for a chickenshit refereeing decision? Both teams played their hearts out. Granted, the championship hadn’t been decided yet, but what a match. Year after year, these two teams have knocked heads like gladiators.

This year, the first time was a very intense match that was decided by Baptista scoring the goal of his life. We all pointed to this as the match in which we would show them. We might not have won the league, or Champions League or Copa Del Rey, but by god we are the best team on the pitch, on this night.

Instead it was Messi and the invisible men. Puyol tried hard, but when you’re the only one on the back line playing defense, when you aren’t even sure if your keeper is going to be able to catch a cold, it has to eat at you. Yaya looked a little off song, hell, Messi didn’t even start playing until about 25 minutes in, when it was 2-0 and all but decided, given our offensive display of offense until that point.

The first goal was Valdes. Raul only had one real angle to shoot at, so close it down, catch the ball and start the counterattack. Instead he’s left, sitting on the pitch looking bewildered, and picking the ball out of the back of the net. On the second goal, even if the defense is as atrocious as it was, follow the flight of the ball, at least. Get in front of where the unmarked man is. Yes, the defense let him down, but come on. At least try.

He and Casillas might be near each other in goals allowed, but there was not a question, after today, who the better keeper is.

I would give player ratings, but there’s just no point, really.

I will say this. Rijkaard will be allowed to resign rather than being fired. This is right, and a just thing given the service he has given to the colors. But this is the season that really showed his deficiencies. Look at how keyed up Schuster has his side, and they didn’t even have anything to play for except for the joy of rubbing our noses in it, which they did.

I know that people think that a housecleaning isn’t called for, that the right coach can make everything better. But the right coach can’t get those guys back the steps that they’ve lost, can’t instill the aggression and pride that should already be there when you pull on that shirt. But if you don’t win, people get fired (or resigned, if you will). That’s life in the big city.

You all know my dump list, so I won’t bother repeating it here. I might want to add Valdes to it, just out of pure spite.

But I just don’t know any more. I’ve never seen a side made to look so bad by a superior team. It was almost as if we were Valencia and they were us, having a good laugh and smacking in goals while playing keepaway.

I’m done. Sick to my stomach, and done with this missive.