News you all can use, a.k.a. “Don’t always believe the media.”

By: Kevin | October 13th, 2008

Man, has this been a fun week or so. See what happens when it’s international time? Idle minds become the devil’s workshop and suddenly there are all kinds of press reports that might or might not be true. We’re going to present some of them, just because we’re all clamoring for something to do, right? Like the newsboy in this picture, your mind’s eye can have me shouting “Extree, extree, read all about it!”

–This is my favorite. Dani Alves is getting guff from the Brazilian media for having some six tubs of moisturizing cream in his luggage, while returning from international duty. It’s a safe bet that you have never before, and will never again see the term “metrosexual” used at tribalfootball.com. But there it is. Our own Mr. Alves, a.k.a. “The world’s most expensive right back” is also said to be speaking Spanish with a Portugese accent. Whatever, dude.

Now in Brazil, land of the travestis, where Ronaldo is alleged to have had a right ol’ frolic with some of the “damsels,” anybody slagging Alves for wanting to keep his skin moist is like pot to kettle. Harsh tackles call for soft hands, I say.

–Speaking of Brazil, we and the Evil Empire are making goo-goo eyes at Corinthians striker Dentinho (my all-time favorite Brazilian footy name to date) and the very familiar to all of us Hernanes, who might be back in the frame. Put that one in the “wait and see” category, as well. Dentinho is also supposed to be in luuuuv with Arsenal, by the by.

–Are more cantera lads in the offing? Buzz is that Victor Vasquez and Victor Sanchez are next in line for promotion, in light of the excellence that has come from Sergi Busquets. Recall that Vasquez was going to be promoted to permanent first team along with Pedro, but it didn’t come to pass. Given the immense number of games that could be in the offing this season, we will need talent for the early-round Copa matches, and the Champions League matches that will be meaningless once we put the boot in another side in our group. So why not?

–In the “bollocks for him” category Carlos Busquets, a.k.a. Sergi Senior, had the pustulent audacity to claim that his young’un would play for the Evil Empire, if the circumstances were right.

“He is culé through and through and since he was small it was his dream to play for Barcelona,” nattered Pere Sergi, who clearly needs to get a hobby, or something. “However, if Real Madrid were an option it would never be said that that water I will not drink.”

Quick. Call the Whipass Wagon. We have a house call to make. Does this mean “Sign my boy, and do it fast,” or is daddy just crazy, like daddies can be sometimes, when bursting with pride. Jeeez….

–Yaya is still quiet. The latest “quote” attributed to our own man-crush object is that he will know what his future is in Barcelona in a month, month and a half. Duh! The silence is still disturbing. There is an analysis over at Goal.com which, in addition to using the phrase “to beg the question” incorrectly, goes on to say (adding insult to injury) that it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing for us if Yaya went to Juventus. They already have two DMs, but neither one is adequate.

Henry and Yaya have been similarly rotated, yet you don’t hear our much-maligned but still effective Frenchman saying “Jouez-moi ou commercez-moi, salope!” (Play me or trade me, ho!)

Yaya is due back from internationals, to the warm, loving arms of the Spanish press. More to come. Don’t think the Yaya Stare will get him out of this one.

–In a sad, non-Barca-related note, it looks like the U.S. is officially a soccer nation. The Houston Dynamo keeper Louis Crayton (formerly of Basel), was told by a “fan” at a Dynamo (the city’s MLS franchise) “Hey, you’re a monkey, go back to the jungle.” The Liberian keeper responded “You can’t say that to me. I’m a human being, just like you.”

The “fan” was nabbed, and has been banned from attending Dynamo games indefinitely. In a statement, the League has said:

“The league is reviewing the details of the incident. Major League Soccer and the Houston Dynamo have absolutely no tolerance for the kind of despicable and offensive language reported and will ban for life from all MLS games any person found using such language in an MLS stadium.”

In the solid Goal.com report, Rio Ferdinand is mightily vexed at the rough treatment meted out to striker Emile Heskey at the hands of Croatian fans, and England coach Fabio Capello either did or didn’t (dependent upon who you ask) say “No way! Think of the brothas,” when asked about playing an England/Spain friendly at the Bernabeu.

I can only shake my head. I know this post was supposed to stay all light and funny and stuff, but that kind of stuff just bites the big one.

And that’s what I know for now. Or I should say that’s what I know that people are “reporting.”