The Pipe is a grim thing

By: Kevin | April 17th, 2008

Crazy

I wasn’t aware that crack was such a problem in Europe. I know that I’ve said this before but really….it’s just getting too big to ignore. The evidence?

1. Chelsea manager Avram Grant said in a press conference that he wants Kaka AND Messi next season. Now, he was smiling as he said it, because that’s what the evil drug does to you. Makes you all happy and crazy and stuff. He said:

“Willi it take a flair player like Kaka or Messi? I will not reject that one of those names will be here.”

What else is an embattled coach going to say, right? “I’m going to sign Jesus of Nazareth next. He’ll save money, because he’ll be able to make new boots out of sandals and stuff. And the food bills for the team? Forget it. The cost savings alone justify the undoubtedly expensive contract for him. But we’re ready, and will begin negotiations as soon as his agent returns our calls.”

Dude. Just say no.

2. Xavi says that the Barca “crisis” was just invented by those silly journalists to sell newspapers. “Never mind those goals going in against us, mid and lower table teams tying us, us throwing away points willy-nilly and acting like strangers on the Barca Bus-Touristic when we’re sitting on the bench. You can’t trust those damned journalists. They’re evil.”

Gotcha. Just. Say. No.

3. And it gets better. We don’t even know for sure yet if Ronaldinho is definitely going to AC Milan, but Clarence Seedorf, a.k.a. S10, just told the current R10 that the number is his. He had it at Inter, then came to AC and because Rui Costa had it, he couldn’t. “So suck it up, bucky.”

This has morphed into Ronaldinho’s arrival forcing Seedorf out the door, because said blessed event will force Seedorf into a more defensive role, one that he will refuse to play, again because rather than having a role in a side that could potentially win the Scudetto AND Champions League, he’d rather have his pride, and the pipe.

Just. Say. No.

4. In a startling bit of tactical information, heretofore unknown to modern man, Fernando Torres says that in order to win, we must stop Ronaldo and keep possession of the ball.

You don’t say. I’m sure that never occurred to anyone. It certainly didn’t occur to me. Holy crap! Stay tuned for other secrets.

5. In still other news, “Santi Claus” Ezquerro is unsure of his future at Barcelona. Rumor is he played in the last match though no evidence exists aside from some destroyed grass where he rolled around as if he was trying make a grass angel from a foul in which a player barely made contact.

“I’ll stay until I am told it is time to leave,” said the ne’er-do-well who uses Gabi Milito’s barber, to ill effect.

Do I have to say it? Okay. Just. Say. No.

6. Finally, buzz is that Ronaldinho wants to play one more time at Barcelona, to say farewell to all his devoted public. The probable date would be the season-ending May 11 match against Mallorca. My man Txiki received the proposal from R10’s brother and put it to the board, who are rumored to have responded in the affirmative.

“Hey, why not,” one member said. “He’s only been injured, out of shape, divisive and now wants to leave. His respect and gratitude for all that we have done for him is so apparent that this opportunity is a no-brainer.”

The complexity now is teaching him to understand how to stay on the sidelines, and respond to “Throw the damn ball in and quit fooling around so that the match can proceed,” in Catalan.

I’m out.